Nastia Liukin…..From Russia with Love

As if I didn’t have enough reasons to love Mother Russia. She’s given America so much. Anna Kournikova, mail order brides, a gold medal in hockey at the 1980 winter games, Ivan Drago, and vodka to name a few. Even though she lives in Texas, add Nastia Liukin to that list, whose parents immigrated to the Land of Free in 1992. Thank you Russia, and thank you Texas state legislature for your age of consent laws. In case you missed it, Nastia won gold in the women’s all-around gymnastics competition, edging out fellow American Shawn Johnson (who is on a 2-year waiting list) and China’s 8-year old entry, Yang Yilin. Note to China: adding a little eye shadow and rouge to your gymnasts doesn’t change their year of birth from 1998 to 1992. After watching Olympic machine Michael Phelps shatter another world record and grab his 6th gold medal, I thought I couldn’t be more proud to be an American. And then NBC cuts to Nastia, and by the end of her floor routine I was literally belting out Lee Greenwood’s classic tune “God Bless the USA” with a tear in my eye. You’re damn right Lee, “there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God Bless the USA.”

More observations on the Olympics: The U.S. has a men’s volleyball team? Don’t get me wrong, I hope we win gold, but when did these guys learn how to play. Are there actually high schools in this country that offer men’s volleyball as a team sport? And if so, is it really worth the trade off for everyone, everywhere to assume you’re gay for the rest of your life to chase Olympic glory? Just sayin. Speaking of gay, apparently former Husker Brad Vering was too shaken up by the recent NU gay porn site scandal to bring home a medal. (Note to all DXP readers: everyone has a digital camera at all times, and if your pic surfaces on the Internet, you’re not going to keep it quiet. Act accordingly.) It was good to see the Spanish basketball team pay tribute to the host country in this photo. Pau Gasol must be Spanish for “utterly stupid” considering this explanation, “it was something like supposed to be funny or something but never offensive in any way.” Miss Teen South Carolina is smiling somewhere. The U.S. basketball team looks unstoppable, but it doesn’t seem fair that all that talent can only count for one gold medal. Shouldn’t basketball be worth 12 medals or something? Can we add a dunk contest as a sport? Maybe free throws, dunks, 3-pointers, one-on-one, HORSE, etc. Only seems right considering the 155 events in swimming. Speaking of swimming, how about that 4×100 freestyle relay? Funny how Frenchman Alain Bernard promised to smash the U.S. team. What’s funny isn’t that he got clowned anchoring his team with a big lead in the final 10 meters, it’s that he made the comment in French, not German. Yeah, none of us here are expecting a thank you from the frogs for WWII, just don’t talk s*it when you are facing Superman Michael Phelps. Isn’t “douchebag” a French word? And finally, looks like George W is having a good time in Beijing.

I guess an impending war between Russia and Georgia was no reason to cut short the President’s holiday. Reminds me of the movie Vacation when Audrey, Rusty, and Ellen want to cut bait and head home and Clark delivers this classic quote: “I think you’re all f*cked in the head. We’re ten hours from the f*cking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much f*cking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah’ out of you’re a*sholes!”

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