Archive for the ‘CNNSI’ Category

Battle Of The Bands: Stanford vs. Wisconsin

October 7, 2008

Absent from the Ohio State vs. Wisconsin football game in Madison last Saturday was the Wisconsin marching band. Earlier in the week, the Badger band was suspended for hazing, alcohol abuse, and sexual misconduct. As you would expect, Ohio State would defeat Wisconsin 20-17 without the lovely sounds. Band director Mike Leckrone informed the media that the entire band would be suspended indefinitely for the first time since he became band director in 1969. The band will find out its fate sometime this week.

This isn’t the first time the band has been in trouble. In 2007, the assistant band director resigned after (long story short) he hooked up with a female band member at a party the previous year. At that time, their awful, awful behavior was deemed “boorish to patently dangerous and unlawful.” To make things worse, women had to kiss women to use the Badger bus bathroom on road trips.

It’s a shame that several young women who were just trying to make out in front of the male band members are made into criminals. Let the band have fun. Let the girls make out with each other. Let the guys watch. Let the faculty hook up with the band members. It’s college. You’re suppose to do these things.

That’s the Wisconsin Band.

This is the Stanford Band.

The Stanford Band, a.k.a “The World’s Largest Rock and Roll Band” and “LSJUMB”, pulls stunts that put the Delts from the “Animal House” movie in a jealous rage. They are so beloved that, in the 70’s, an alumnus donated 1 million to the school with the request that the Band be censored and more closely monitored. The president at that time tore the check up and sent it back with a note saying ‘We love the Band.’

Perhaps most famous for running onto the field during the Stanford-Cal (“The Play”) game in 1982, their theatrics go way beyond that one instance. To put is simply, that’s nothing.

Here are some of the more controversial performances with disciplinary action since the 1980s (from wikipedia):

  • “On October 11th, 1986, an infamous incident of public urination happened following the home football game vs. UW where two band members were caught urinating outside the stadium after the game. During the halftime show of the home USC game on October 19th, 1986, the band spelled out “NO BALLZ”. For the next game they performed an anagram show and spelled out an anagrammed four letter word (“NCUT”). (The “NCUT” formation was written to be “NEUT,” an anagram of “TUNE”–but Band members did not form the crossbar to the “E”, changing it to a “C” and thus drastically changing the anagrammed word.) After the UCLA game suspension was served, the band appeared at the Cal game wearing angel halos.”
  • “In 1990, Stanford suspended the band for a single game after their halftime show at the Oregon game criticized the logging of the spotted owl’s habitats in the northwest United States. The band used formations in the shape of a chainsaw and in the shape of the word OWL changing to AWOL. (The) Governor issued a decree that the band not return to Oregon for several years; the band did not return until 2001.”
  • “In 1991, Notre Dame banned the Band from visiting its campus after a halftime show at Stanford in which drum major Eric Selvik dressed as a nun and conducted the band using a wooden cross as a baton. (During the pregame show and first half of the game, the drum major had been dressed as an Orthodox Jew, where the wooden cross was part of a menorah-like baton.) After the halftime show, a female Notre Dame fan ran onto the field, approached from behind the unsuspecting Selvik, and forcibly ripped the nun habit off of his head. Selvik pursued and regained his habit from the attacker, who in the scuffle for the habit told the drum major he was “going to hell for this.”
  • “In 1992, the Athletic Department pressured the LSJUMB to fire its announcers after one used the phrase “No chuppa, no schtuppah, at a San Jose State game halftime show.”
  • “In 1994, the Band was disciplined after nineteen members of the band skipped a field rehearsal in Los Angeles to play outside the L.A. County Courthouse during jury selection for the O.J. Simpson trial. The band’s song selection included an arrangement of “The Zombies,” “She’s Not There.” Defense lawyer Robert Shapiro described the incident to the media as “a new low in tasteless behavior.” Later that year, during the halftime show of the football game against USC (where Simpson had played football and won the 1968 Heisman Trophy), band members drove a white Ford Bronco with bloody handprints around the Stanford stadium track, an obvious allusion to the low-speed chase in which police followed a white Bronco carrying Simpson around the Los Angeles area.”
  • “In 1997, the Band was again disciplined for shows lampooning Catholicism and the Irish at a game against Notre Dame. The Band put on a show entitled “These Irish, Why Must they Fight?” Besides the mocking the Irish-Catholic behavior, there was a Riverdance formation, and a Potato Famine joke, drawing criticism for its “tasteless” portrayal of Catholics. Both the band and the Stanford President subsequently apologized for the band’s behavior.”
  • “In 2002 and 2006, the Band was sanctioned for off-the-field behavior, including violations of the University alcohol policy.”
  • “In 2004, the Band drew national attention and Mormon ire for joking about polygamy, which was practiced by some Mormons until 1890 and is still practiced by splinter groups outside of the LDS Church. This occurred during a game against BYU. The Dollies appeared in wedding veils with the Band Manager of the time kneeling and “proposing” to each in turn as the announcer referred to marriage as “the sacred bond that exists between a man and a woman… and a woman… and a woman… and a woman… and a woman. The joke was later used multiple times by Massachusetts Governor and Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney, himself a Mormon.”
  • “The band’s hijinks were given a wider audience when they became the subject of Alan Alda’s appearance on the “Not My Job” segment on National Public Radio’s ‘Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me’ on September 9, 2006.”
  • “In 2006, the band was suspended by Stanford administrators when their former “Band Shak” was vandalized. After moving into a new $2.8 million facility, the previous Shak, a trailer that served as a temporary home for the band, was found with broken windows and profanities spray painted on the walls. Administrators believed members of the Band were responsible for the damage, as the band had believed the trailer was to be demolished the next day.”
(“The Spotted Owl” show, Stanford at Oregon 1990 – read above – from ‘Owl’ to ‘Awol’ to a ‘Chainsaw’ amongst boos)

To this day, the Stanford Band still does not make all the road trips. Because of their satire on Notre Dame where they implied that priests and nuns are hypocrites, they are not allowed in South Bend. In retaliation the next year, the Band came out on the field at halftime dressed as priests and nuns with beers in their hands and humped each other. Not to be outdone by a single university, the Stanford Band would find itself banned from the entire state of Oregon after a halftime show at Oregon State made fun of the state’s troubled logging industry and heavy marijuana use. They actually spelled “Weed.” Originally they couldn’t come back for 3 years but that would turn out to be 10.

All in all, the Stanford Band has produced 13 albums. Needless to say, I envy them. It’s one thing to go after a team, but when you have the audacity to go after an entire culture, you have to respect that. Granted, they are a little brighter than most college bands. However, to be able to pull off such stunts on such a grand stage as they have done is incredible.

Beat that Wisconsin!

Nebraska vs. Missouri: The Rivalry That Isn’t/Never Was

October 3, 2008

I know how much Missouri fans are looking forward to this game as they should be. Their team is ranked 3rd and 4th in the polls and the last time they won in Lincoln was before many of us were born. The one thing I’m failing to understand as I read Missouri columnists and bloggers this week is how much they honestly believe this game is a rivalry based somewhat on the scale of Auburn/Alabama, Texas/Oklahoma, Navy/Army, Michigan/Ohio State… It’s not.

Let me give you an idea on how ‘The Nebraska/Missouri Bell works…

“Bell was originally stolen from a church in Seward, Neb., by two Nebraska fraternities (Phi Delta Theta and Delta Tau Delta) who shared the same house … When each fraternity moved to separate living quarters, they battled for possession of the bell each year in a specified contest athletic or academic … When in 1927, Missouri proposed a suitable trophy be established for the MU-Nebraska football rivalry, the bell was suggested and adopted – engraved on one side with an “M” and on the other with an “N” …”

I’ll be honest here. Most of us had no idea this existed until a few weeks ago when some Mizzourah fans brought it up in a comment section claiming battles for this ‘prized’ bell by asking something to the effect of ‘how can you say there is no tradition when we have playing for the Missouri/Nebraska Bell for over 80 years.’ The Innocents and Q.E.H.B. are the Honorary Societies of Nebraska and Missouri, respectively. They are the two groups that hold the trophy.

Not that academics aren’t important (we have an NCAA leading 260 academic All-Americans; Notre Dame is second with 204), but here’s the problem. The trophy started in Nebraska, was passed around fraternities at Nebraska for years, and for some reason, Missouri thought it was cool and wanted to be a part of it. Now it is celebrated by chemical engineering majors. I’m pretty sure it gets stowed away in the janitor’s closet of the North Stadium when Nebraska wins it back.

Some statistics worth noting:

  • Missouri’s last win in Lincoln was 1978.
  • Missouri’s last conference championship was in 1969 where they split it with Nebraska.
  • Since 1969, the Huskers have won 5 National Championships, 16 Big 8 Championships, 3 Heisman Trophies, and 2 Big 12 Championships.
  • Big 12 Conference titles (all sports): Nebraska 63. Missouri 2.
  • National Team titles (all sports) for the Big 12 since 1996: Nebraska 7. Missouri 0.

Even more statistics worth noting:

  • Missouri has had 8 consensus All-Americans.
  • Nebraska has had 52 consensus All-Americans.
  • Missouri has been to 25 bowl games since 1924 with a 11-14 record.
  • Nebraska has been to 44 bowl games since 1941with a 22-22 record.
  • Missouri has a total of 6 conference championships since joining the Big 8 in 1939.
  • Nebraska has a total of 31 conference championships since joining the Big 8 in 1928.
  • Nebraska leads the all-time series 63-35-3.

The far left corner of Nebraska’s trophy case

and Missouri’s entire trophy case

It’s hard to call a team a rival when you have 5 of them:

Missouri’s Rivals (a.k.a. opponents)

#1 Kansas (The Border War)
#2 Illinois (Arch Rivalry or Braggin’ Rights)
#3 Iowa State (The Telephone Trophy)
#4 Nebraska (The Missouri-Nebraska Bell)
#5 Oklahoma (The Peace Pipe)

Pick one.

For as dominant as Missouri thinks they have been against Nebraska as of late, let’s not forget that Nebraska was a home underdog in 2004 (NU 24-3) and 2006 (NU 34-20) to Missouri.

Who are you picking to win Chase Daniel?

The play that will forever be engraved in Missouri fans’ heads is becoming a distant memory. For Nebraska, it was just another win that lead to just another National Championship.

Missouri at Nebraska, Saturday, October 4, 9:00 PM ET
Open Current Current Current Current
70.5 O/U
69.0 O/U

My advice on this game for gamblers everywhere: betting the potent and highly ranked Missouri football team of 2008 sounds too good to be true. I’d be wary.

We’ll probably lose the game. We might even win. But win or lose, the 2008 Nebraska team isn’t going to define their season on this one game. We really have NOTHING to lose here. For Nebraska, it is still a rebuilding process under a 1st year coach. For Missouri, Sunday morning will be one day closer to another loss to a Big 12 South team and another shut-out of a Heisman Trophy, Big 12 Championship, and a delusional National Championship.

The 2008 College Football Season Over/Unders

August 26, 2008

How many times on college football game days do you sit around with your friends and say, “damn, I wish there was a good sports book around here we could go to.” Worry no more. That’s what Sammy Vegas and A. Rose are here for. Our sports book is not Caesar’s Palace. Let’s just say it’s more intriguing and lacks valet parking.

So we bring you our opening week over/under future bets for the 2008 college football season. All wagers can be placed by contacting Jeffie, T. Rose, or Dr. D.


# of silent heart attacks Mark Mangino will experience during his sleep this fall: 3

# of times Mark Mangino will be declined a life insurance policy during the 2008 season due to failing medical underwriting: 7

# of times Tim Tebow will tell one of his Florida teammates to turn their head and cough: 43

# of boogers Chase Daniel will consume on the sidelines during Missouri games this year: 4

# of times football analysts blame a Michigan loss on the fact that Rich Rodriguez doesn’t have a quarterback to fit his system: 8,542

# of times an announcer uses a euphemism for white (like crafty, possession, gutty, etc.) to describe Nebraska’s starting receivers Nate Swift and Todd Peterson: 106

# of milligrams of Ritalin the ESPN College GameDay producers crush up and put in Lee Corso’s coffee before each show: 100

# of times Beano Cook references a football game from before the year 1960: 38

# of times Beano Cook states Joe Paterno is still the best coach in college football: 31

# of Heisman trophies Beano Cook still thinks Ron Powlus can still win: 2

# of pounds ESPN sideline reporter Holly Rowe will gain throughout the season: 21

# of consecutive weeks Lou Holtz will predict Notre Dame to win: 12

# of Florida State players to be caught cheating on online exams while wearing free shoes from Foot Locker: 11

# of USC Song Girls that get called into Pete Carroll’s office for “office hours” this fall: 8

# of Penn State football players to get arrested this fall and not be suspended: 14

# of bong rips Colorado coach Dan Hawkins takes with his team this year after wins: 7

# of BYU football players who will lose their virginity this fall after a win: 1/2

# of times Trev Alberts hires a henchman to break out a window and/or slash a tire on Mark May’s car: 53

# of Alabama season ticket holders that have a full set of teeth: 8,253

# of pass attempts Texas Tech QB Graham Harrell averages per game: 81

# of years Kansas State coach Ron Prince signs on to represent McDonalds as Grimace after he is fired this season: 4

# of double cheeseburgers the new Grimace will eat from dollar menu in one sitting: 18

# of college males that will masturbate to a fully clothed Erin Andrews on any given Thursday ESPN college football game: 289,497

# of times the word “parity” is used when referencing an upset this season: 765

# of weeks Syracuse coach Greg Robinson holds the #1 spot on 13

# of times ESPN replays Appalachian St’s blocked FG @ Michigan last year during this year’s game at LSU: 14

# of times Kirk Herbstreit’s sexuality is called into question during the season due to over the top flattering comments about Urban Meyer: 16

# of people at Memorial Stadium who will feel worse about themselves every time Larry the Cable Guy is shown on the jumbotron in his box suite: 84,450

# of gallons of warm Bud Light that will be spilled on the floor of Barry’s over the course of 8 game days in Lincoln: 565,788

% of guys that will be at the Brass Rail after a game that graduated from college in the 1990’s: 42

% of those same guys that will take off their wedding rings and hit on college girls on O Street like there’s no tomorrow: 93

Odds that DXP will make up part of that 42% of the 90’s graduates at the Brass Rail after the game: off the board.

Time Travel Is Possible!!!

August 7, 2008

It’s a question that has fascinated physicists for centuries and captured human imagination since the beginning of time. Is time travel possible? Hollywood has given us a few theories, including a string of lights arranged in a Y formation that Doc Brown and Marty McFly call the flux capacitor, powered by the latest Mr. Fusion. When I was a kid, I bought it. Soup up a DeLorean with some plutonium and unimaginable things are bound to happen, right? But, there’s been little real world evidence to support time travel, until one of the most bizarre 911 calls hit the newswires this week. A man in Jacksonville, FL thought it was a good idea to call 911 after the Subway sandwich maker left off his spicy sauce after he ordered the Italian sub. The second call was to complain that the cops were taking too long to get to his location. My first thought was, “what planet is this guy from? Doesn’t he know that 911 is only for married women to call after their husbands come home from the bar and issue a couple back hands for no apparent reason?” The news anchor reporting this story was Nancy Grace, better known as the winner of “The Most Annoying Television Personality in History.” Nancy played the call and then gave the man’s name as Reginald Peterson with the below photo. I immediately dropped my coffee mug, not even paying attention to the Kobayashi stamp on the bottom, and thought of another man named Peterson… that blew up the Huskers in ’05 for 155 yards and 2 TDs.

Un-fu*king-canny, right? I mean, it’s obvious a 50-year old Adrian Peterson has traveled back in time. But why now, and why Jacksonville (note: the Vikings are at the Jags in week 13 this year), and why the name Reginald? I have several theories. One is that sometime in the next decade, AP blows his NFL earnings and ends up on the streets. He could be back from the future to deliver a sports almanac to present AP, with the hopes of turning him into a degenerate, yet rich, gambler.

Great plan, but currently all a gambler has to do is order Phil Steele’s newsletter and bet the opposite of what Phil advises to ensure winning bets. But it sure would be nice to find out which horse is the next Da’Tara at the Belmont winning with 66-1 odds. Or how many years it takes Bo Pelini to get NU back to a BCS game. Does Adrian Peterson have a career ending injury during that Jags game in November? Back from the future AP could be back to make sure he never takes the field. The questions are endless, but we can assume a few things about the future. It must be a much safer world, considering the role of 911 dispatchers has been greatly expanded. Currently used for police/medical emergencies, the future must be so safe that 911 will be used for almost any situation, including getting the cops involved when those bastards at Subway forget the sauce on an Italian. Why else would back from the future AP make this 911 call? I have a lot of questions for future AP. He owes the world some answers. I think the least he can do is let us know if the Cubs win the World Series before 2030. As for the name Reginald, the actor Reginald VelJohnson played Carl Winslow in the sitcom Family Matters. The same show that starred Jaleel White as Steve Urkel as well as his alter-ego Stefan Urquelle, who were in fact, the same person. It’s creepy, isn’t it?