As I’ve previously discussed, things are pretty sordid around Husker Nation these days. When Trev Alberts, Jim Rose and Tom Shatel all chime in, however, the
end times are upon us lamenting has officially “jumped the shark.”
I still feel that a 10-win (or better) season will be a cure for all that ails the Big Red collective. Unfortunately it’s March and spring practice hasn’t even started. Thus, it’s clear that a quicker fix is necessary.
Callahan and Pederson are trying their best to
cut dead weight bring new energy into the athletic department, with their removal of Doak Ostergard. Right idea guys, but wrong office. The fat that truly needs to be trimmed is of the puffy, inflatable, vinyl variety.
That’s right, I’m saying it, folks – FIRE LIL’ RED!!!!
With one swipe of box cutter, one stab of a jailhouse shank, Pederson could retool his PR image and finally bring about Pax Lincolna.
I can hear the detractors already.
“But, Lil’ Red has been around since 1993. He was there for all three national titles in the 90s. He’s another connection to the Osborne and Solich eras. We can’t force out yet another link to our Big Red roots. It’s just not the Nebraska way.”
All valid points. I’ve compiled a list of grievances, however, to make my case for firing Lil’ Red with the UNL Human Resources Department. After reading these, there can be no uncertainty surrounding the reasons for his dismissal.
1. Lil’ Red vigorously humped former HuskerVision production specialist Rick Schwieger at the 1999 Homecoming “Tailgate on the Turf” pep rally. Yes, I know Tom Green was inside the costume during this event, but perhaps Lil’ Red should be a little more choosy about who he lets inside him.
2. Lil’ Red wears nothing but red and also sports his hat turned to the right. Both of these are known symbols of the Bloods. Lincoln has enough of a meth problem as it is. Do we really need to add gangs into the mix?
3. Lil’ Red finished third behind the Stanford Tree and “Other” in an online “Which is the worst mascot” poll. I disagree with these results. While the Stanford Tree is indeed a worse mascot than he, Lil’ Red is far worse than “Other”.
4. The boys at EDSBS have this to say about Lil’ Red:
“Why couldn’t they have stabbed Lil’ Red? His palsied gait haunts our dreams.”
And why should we listen to the opinions of a couple of Florida bloggers? Well check out the number of awards they have won in their sidebar. The world would be a better place if more people listened to EDSBS.
5. Lil’ Red made the list of “Eight Mascots that Need to Die.”
“Suggested method of death: Cross the streams from your proton packs. Watch as the
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Cornhusker mascot melts.”
6. In 1997, Lil Red took part in the National Cheerleaders Association National Championships in Daytona Beach, Florida. Despite being blessed with an uncanny ability to bounce on his head, Lil’ Red could muster just a second place finish. Finishing second is one thing, but losing to the Virginia Tech mascot –
Frank Beamer’s neck scar the Hokey Bird, is completely unacceptable.
7. According to this article, the Lil’ Red costume includes, “a battery strapped onto one hip and a blower attached to the other hip.” A “blower” attached to the hip? Is this really the kind of image we want serving as a mini-ambassador for the university, the city and the state? Oh, and I’m almost positive that “blower” is not the preferred nomenclature for an orally-adventurous coed.
8. I’m pretty sure Lil’ Red stole my soul in 1997 by staring directly into my eyes during a timeout at a Nebraska vs. Kansas basketball game. I’d really like it back ASAP.
9. The name Lil’ Red requires the use of the apostrophe. Utilizing it in this context is just one of three misunderstood uses of the apostrophe. The apostrophe is also a right pinky keystroke which irritates my budding carpal tunnel syndrome. Laugh if you will, but this is a far greater personal annoyance than getting past security at the Nebraska athletic department.
10. I like cheerleaders. The Nebraska cheerleaders are facing financial cutbacks. Lil’ Red costumes cost $5000 apiece. We already have Herbie Husker. I think you know where I’m going with this.
So there you have it. An easy way of righting the ship and pacifying Husker Nation can be accomplished by firing the “Round Mound of Nightmares Abound”. Hell, he already looks dead and bloated. Let’s just go ahead and put him out of his misery.